If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
