he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
