Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
