Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
