P.S. I can't hear my feet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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