Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
