Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
