Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
