Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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