he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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