dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
