At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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