he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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