you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
