I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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