if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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