Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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