This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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