you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
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The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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