I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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