he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
