Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
