It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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