at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
