I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
