The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
