he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
