bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
