people are starting to question the shark bite story
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
