she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
