Just fell off a train. Bad.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
