I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
