I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
