I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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