sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
this hospital has no fireball
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
