I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
