I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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