I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
