Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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