so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
