Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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