I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
