Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yo dont text me then not text me
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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