I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
