Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
