Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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