I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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