Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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