Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
