I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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