We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
