nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
