I just pynch a tree in the face
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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