I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
