I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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