Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
