lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
