And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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